WASHINGTON—Lawmakers from both parties reached rare agreement Tuesday that the most persuasive argument remains the one delivered three decibels below structural damage.
The breakthrough occurred during a hearing nominally convened to gather information. That objective was postponed after members discovered television cameras and began converting questions into six-minute autobiographical speeches ending with “yes or no.”
The witness attempted to answer but was informed that the committee’s time had expired, despite the committee having used all of it.
Finding common volume
Members disagreed over policy, facts, chronology and whether the witness had answered a question nobody permitted them to finish. They nevertheless united around aggressive pointing, theatrical sighing and the belief that microphones work better when addressed from two inches away.
A bipartisan working group proposed replacing future witnesses with decorative plants, since hearing from them is not an essential component of the process. The plants would be required to submit written testimony and could be held in contempt if they wilted evasively.
Television networks praised the hearing for generating several shareable clips without burdening viewers with context. Producers identified the ideal segment as a lawmaker beginning with “Let me reclaim my time” and ending before anyone learns what the hearing concerns.
Outside the chamber, both parties declared victory. One side said it had exposed an unprecedented scandal. The other said it had exposed the exposure as the real scandal. The witness left through a service corridor and is believed to be recovering somewhere without microphones.
Congress announced that its next hearing will examine why Americans have lost faith in institutions. It is scheduled to begin with fourteen opening statements.