AMERICA—Millions of citizens will soon determine the future of the republic by coloring inside a shape smaller than a breath mint, election officials confirmed.
The oval—an unassuming geometric form previously associated with eggs and disappointing dining tables—will be entrusted with decisions involving trillions of dollars, nuclear weapons, public schools and whether the nation wants to continue speaking to itself this way.
Voters are advised to fill the oval completely using blue or black ink. Circling it, checking it, decorating it with tiny eyelashes or writing “this one” beside it may cause the machine to experience uncertainty, a condition the electorate already has covered.
A sacred transfer of graphite
At polling places nationwide, citizens will receive ballots printed on paper engineered to contain seventeen offices they have heard of and nine they will first encounter while holding the pen. Local judicial races will continue their longstanding tradition of being decided by whichever surname feels most competent.
Election workers have spent months preparing equipment, testing scanners and explaining that Sharpies do not secretly reroute votes through Italy. Their reward will be a fourteen-hour shift followed by strangers demanding a complete national result before the pizza arrives.
Democracy experts say the system works because ordinary people agree to perform an extraordinary act together. Cynics say it works because somebody put “I Voted” on a sticker and humans will endure almost anything for limited-edition merchandise.
The nation will then watch the ovals become totals, the totals become maps and the maps become screaming. By midnight, every television studio will contain at least one exhausted analyst touching counties on a giant screen like a weather forecaster predicting a constitutional thunderstorm.
Through it all, the tiny oval will remain silent, modest and fully aware that it carries more responsibility than most corporate boards.